Bulimia to Balance Part 2

As a young girl my father was a body builder and my mother was a figure skating coach, so athletics and aesthetics were a focus in our household.  I was teased relentlessly in elementary for being over weight, so much so that I was home schooled. At 13 I joined weight watchers with intention of learning food and weight management. However, it became apparent as I sat there with the group of middle-aged women, that I was too much and not enough all at the same time. 

At age 14 a classmate was talking to me about his sisters battle with Bulimia and Anorexia. The family was very concerned at her dramatic weight loss, and in my little mind I immediately thought “this was the ticket”…I just throw up and I can eat whatever I want!!!

So what started in my early teens as a weight loss method, continued on in my early twenties as full-blown Bulimia.  I then lived on my own so no one could monitor my eating habits. As I fell deeper and deeper in the Bulimic pattern of overeating and throwing up,  I avoided social situations.  The serious anxiety I had with food included always scoping out the closest bathroom, and ensuring easy access in case I had an episode.

To be clear I usually never go in with a planned binge.  It is that extra bite that sets me off, and like a switch that flips in my mind, my anxiety kicks in. I feel a desperate need to eat as much as possible and then quickly purge to get rid of everything. The after math of depression and disappointment leaves me feeling deflated as I let my Bulimia win again.

In my later twenties I became a personal trainer.  I loved the aspect of helping others understand proper nutrition and training yet I still could not seem to get a grasp on my own personal battle. 

At 27 I competed in my first fitness physique show and for once in my life I had no voices or thoughts to binge and purge. With my strict diet and regimented training, I felt in control. It was far better then the mental battle I usually fought.  I thought if I can just keep doing this…. would be good…I was finally cured….

Then the show ended..and I rebounded into my pattern of Bulimia...

With the determination to regain peace and control I did anther show, but each time I fell back into my old binging and purging habits. This cycle continued, each time with the hopes that I would be able to maintain the sanity I had found during prep.

It was not until I became pregnant with my daughter that I finally decided to stop competing and let go of the expectations for my body. 

Maybe then I would finally stop the bulimic tendencies and have some peace. I thought perhaps all these years it was the fitness lifestyle that kept this mental battle alive. If I just accepted my body tried to eat healthy and be active then the issues would stop…

However, it was still there - and to make the matters worse - I was unhappy with how I felt.  I applaud women of all sizes however, I was not comfortable in my own skin. 

Several years ago I embarked on a journey to really understand my body and this disease. What did I need to do to calm the voices, feel my best, be involved in the fitness industry and if I desired still have a competitive life…..

                                                                        My 13th Birthday

                                                                           Mid Twenties

                                                                                  Follow Me

                                                                         Twitter: @AeryonAshlie

                                                                    Facebook: Aeryon Bela Ashlie

          Instagram: AeryonBelaAshlie