Finding Inner Peace

Many people do not know this about me but I have battled an eating disorder most of my life. When I was growing up I was considered a chunkier/thicker child.  In grade 7 my parents put me into Weight Watchers which started my weight loss journey.  In looking back at pictures I don't see an obese child, what I see now is a little girl who was trying to get attention by filling herself with food.
When I was 14 I thought I had discovered what I thought was the best "weight loss" solution, I had a friend who's sister had been battling bulimia and to me it seemed like the perfect method. Not only did I get to eat whatever I wanted BUT.....I could get rid of it at no caloric consequence. I felt as though I finally had won!!
 As the years progressed my binging and purging worsened and it became a daily battle to not "loose it".  Some days I would think I had it beat then I would take 1tablespoon to much and I was sent into a tailspin searching for anything to fill my void. As my disease worsened so did my teeth and my eyes, to this day I am still paying costly dental bills due to the damage I have done.
So this original idea of having "Control" over my weight now had complete 100% control over every part of my life. I couldn't go out to eat in fear that if I needed to "loose it" I would not be able too.  I did not want my friends or family knowing about what I was doing and I became completely controlled by this disease. For over 10 years of my life any family holiday I had to plan ahead which bathroom I would use and how I would get away when needed. I remember waking up from nightmares where I had binged in my dream and could not find somewhere to "loose it".
When I started competing 10 years ago I thought I had beat it, as I had to follow such a strict diet plan I could not deviate and the binging subsided.  However, once the show was over I would fall back into my old routine, and at this point my body was so deprived it held on to any calories I took in so matters became even worse.
Four years ago I had my daughter Mekaella, I knew that I did not want her to follow in my footsteps.  I made the conscious effort to change the voice in my head, from "You'll get fat if you don't get rid of it" to "You will never have the life you want to have if you continue doing this of it".
I had to really fight against this inner voice that controlled me for so long. However, over time the voice became quieter,  and I became more relaxed with food.
I then began to look at my trigger foods and started eliminating them from my diet processed foods, wheat, grains ect. I started eating whole foods, fruits, meats and nuts, I am not going to binge on a bag of apples or a steak.  Changing my food choices also has greatly helped with the urge to binge.
Last year when I started competing again that was a real concern of mine that I would fall back into the trap of years past . I am happy to report that I have not, and it is not that I don't hear that old voice, but now I have learned to not give that voice the control it once had. I am in control of this journey and I will "Live my Best Life" and everyday I am working towards that....

Cracked Rib

Well this Christmas some people got presents, and I received a cracked rib. Now how I received this cracked/broken rib (can't tell from Xrays) is another story. For the past couple weeks my side has been sore, I even went to my Dr to see if he could tell me what was the problem was, he informed me that it might be a pulled ligament and there is nothing that can be done.
However, last week I was wrestling with my boyfriend and heard a large alarming "POP" come from my back. That entailed the next 5 hrs in emergency at the hospital, which in case you are wondering cracked Ribs are on the bottom of the waiting room list. When I was finally seen I was notified that there was nothing that could be done and that I was not to train for the next 4-6 weeks....ummm well that is not happening.
So now I will have to resort to less strenuous cardio, go slow with the weights and pay strict attention to my diet.....but on another note to self.....don't wrestle with a 280lb man....