Tuesday 14 October 2014

My Beloved...

I attended a workshop recently where we were asked to write a letter to our Beloved, in this letter we were told be as detailed as possible, what your hopes and dreams are for this person, what their life looks life, relationships, friends, job, home, everything you could possible think of.
I choose to write to my 6 year old Mekaella, I must say it was quite emotional because as you start to think of all you wish for your Beloved to have in their life,  it comes from such a place of love and hope.

Below is my letter to my Munchkin...

"My dear sweet Mekaella, I want for you to have a Full Life and be Full of Life, to be a dream chaser, follow your heart, listen to that inner voice that tells you yes or no and honour that, not listen to anyone who tells you can't, be wise, be kind, do not apologize for standing your ground, do not back down from conflict but rather step up to the plate and speak your truth, be giving, write lists of goals and enjoy crossing each of them off,  be a Women people Respect and Admire and above all LOVE yourself.....EVERY INCH, Every Pound, Every Imperfection, Every Fault...know all this is part of who you are, every step taken is part of your wonderful journey....and there is only one of you EVER....Embrace yourself...
Follow through with Post Secondary Education, attending University is a wonderful growing time and someday those extra letters behind your name will be beneficial.
 I want you to find a career where you are able to use your incredible leadership qualities to shine, I see you as a CEO,  someone who is respected, driven, hard working but who also knows when to take a much needed break and take care of herself.
Travel and see the world go backpacking through Europe and use your French speaking skills you have acquired.
Love fiercely and be loved unconditionally, NEVER SETTLE,  your partner will value you, encourage you, respect you and your choices, and to challenge you to be your best.
Create a home that "Rises to meet you" which gives you great peace, where you have many laughs and hopefully few tears.
Friends that love you as sisters, sticking it out through thick and thin where your connection is deep and everlasting, when you have not seen them in ages it feels as though no time as passed.
To enjoy the pleasure of having children and watch them grow and learn as I have had the pleasure of watching you.
To be healthy, appreciate this amazing body you have, to reach for physical goals that challenge you but do not define you.
To understand that you are connected to all that is and as Pierre Teilhard says "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
This is your journey my sweet little girl....I pray and hope that you embrace every wild and amazing second of it..."

Later in the day we were instructed to read back our letter, because this letter was in fact a letter to ourselves, as all our hopes and dreams we have for our Beloved are actually our own.
I broke down and cried as had I been instructed to write a letter to myself it would have consisted more along the lines if a "List of Things to Do"
1:Chfa orders,
2:pay off debt,
3:buy a new house etc...
Now I would have gone into more details,  however I can be completely honest in saying I would not have expressed the letter with such Tenderness...
Why is that?
Why can I not give myself the Love, Hope and Caring that I would give to my Beloved?
I am well aware that when only when I Love myself and put myself first can I then give and love others to my full potential...
Yet putting those well known facts into play usually does not happen...

This exercise was very eye opening for me....I now have a copy of the letter beside my computer to look at each day to remind myself of my hopes and dreams.....I am my Beloved

 
     
               
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Sunday 5 October 2014

Gratitude...Not so easy sometimes...


This past month of Sept was one of the most challenging month's for me, I was on the go for work, we have our huge annual trade show and the pressure to reach sales targets are constant,  I cracked a rib while trying an epic dance move on a VIP couch (fail), developed a rash from the pain killers and was so itching I almost took off a layer of my skin, was served paper's by my ex who is going after custody of my daughter along with child support and to top it off I have decided to sell my house and we have an offer on a bigger place across the street.
    In the midst of all this I found myself thinking "What next" and "This is a brutal month" I felt beat down, tired.  The most important issue in all of this was in regards to my daughter, she is my top priority, so I had to push everything else aside and focus on the court case (beside scratching myself obsessively) .
   After our first lawyer meeting I had complete breakdown, Scott has never seen me loose it like that. I try as most Mom's or Dad's do, to give my best to my "Most Favourite Little Person in the Whole Wide World" (as I call her). The thought of not seeing her beautiful little face and hearing her voice ask me random questions like "Mommy do Blind people have eyeballs" on a daily basis, literally kills me.
   Now I won't get in to specifics but after 2 court appearances and a very large sum of money (next lifetime I'm coming back as a lawyer...just saying)  I am still the primary caregiver but this is probably far from over. I have never been a person of conflict which is probably why I just "Let things Ride" when in fact I should have started this proceeding myself years ago.  I felt at my wits end several weeks ago, I did not know how I was going to get through this, the costs of the lawyer, the time, the emotional strain was enormous.
   What has gotten me through all this is being Grateful...it sounds strange but even in the midst of the court hearing I gave thanks "Thank you for our legal system in Canada that I can goto court" "Thank you for this judge and all his wisdom" "Thank you for my lawyer and her knowledge and experience" even "Thank you for my ex"(that was a more challenging thank you...LOL).  Though this has been the most upsetting event in my life I am thankful that I have my little person who I never would have known had it not been for him. 
  You know what....in all the stress and anger things became easier....I felt at peace....I became thankful for this situation and all it is going to be.  I do believe everything is a lesson and a step to who you are supposed to become.  I cannot get to where I am going unless I walk through this, as this will take me to my next part of my journey.
 Since putting more gratitude in my life Mekaella and I have now started saying One thing we are grateful for on our way to school, and I am now trying to look at every situation from the eyes of being thankful...

   So for you who is reading this little blog...Thank you...I hope you can look at all the craziness going on in your world through the eyes of gratitude as it makes the journey SO MUCH BETTER! I know it has done wonders for me.....However I am still having difficulty finding gratitude for being so SO ITCHY!!!


                                          



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